Fat Girl Struggles

I was doing good. So so good. I lost 29 lbs and was almost to my goal weight. Just 11 lbs to go. Then my birthday came. I went a little crazy over my birthday weekend. Ok a lot crazy. I ate out 3 times, didn’t care what I was eating and enjoyed my free dessert each time. It was wonderful!

Until after my birthday…

…when I couldn’t get back on track.

5 lbs came back on and I told myself it’s ok. It’s the summer. Just enjoy the rest of the summer and you’ll lose it after. But I didn’t.

In fact I continued to gain.

Then I was ashamed of all my hard work going down the drain and so I slowed down on my posting. I’m sure you’ve noticed that I haven’t posted in a loooong time. Too long. Unfortunately that happens.

This time a year ago I was so happy to be down 8 lbs. I had started counting calories just a few weeks prior and my brother’s wedding was coming up. As happy as I was to be down 8 I was also disappointed in myself for not being at the 10 lb mark by my brother’s wedding. If only I could be back there again now.

Today I am up 18-ish lbs then I was at that time. You might not think that sounds so bad. So I’ve gained 18 lbs in a year. Sure not the best but not terrible. Not terrible. I say that all too often. What does that even mean? If it isn’t terrible it’s also not good. So why is it acceptable?

But I digress…

I gained 18 lbs over a year. Except that I didn’t. Remember how I said I had lost 29 lbs? That means from this point last year I continued to lose another 21. Which means that I then gained roughly 40 lbs between the months of August and let’s say February. I think I’ve maintained my weight for a couple months. I hope. So that’s 40 lbs in just about 6 months.


That’s right. I said it. It’s terrible!

And my body tells me so every day.

It is difficult to tie my shoes. I feel like I have to pull my leg up across my lap just so that I can reach my shoes in order to tie the laces.

I am out of breath walking up 1 flight of stairs.

My clothes don’t fit but I refuse to buy ones that do. So I walk around like a stuffed sausage that’s about to explode. I know I look terrible. I know that others probably think I look terrible. But I will not buy new clothes. Not happening!

I hate the way my neck feels when I’m sitting on the couch watching TV. I don’t know how to explain this one but it just feels fat.

My back is starting to hurt more. A lot more.

I can keep going on and on but I think you get the gist. I need to make a change. I can do what I did before…count calories and work out. I believe it will work. But what happens when I stop counting calories? Will I balloon up again?

This question was asked of me the first time. If I was going to count calories for the rest of my life. My response was of course not. But I was going to count for several months, maybe 4-6, after getting to my goal weight so that I could hopefully learn how to eat healthy rather than it just being a diet. It was supposed to be a life style change. I thought it would work. I still think it could work. I just fell off the wagon and never got back on.

So maybe I should try it again. Maybe not go as extreme with the calorie counting. It would mean possibly losing the weight a little slower but maybe I would actually keep it off once I stopped counting. Maybe I wouldn’t double or triple my calorie intake when not counting.

Or maybe I should try something else. I don’t seem to have a problem losing the weight. I have done so at least 3 times now. My problem is maintaining the weight loss. I’m on a weight roller coaster and it’s very hilly. Maybe with accountability like a weekly meeting, I can maintain the weight loss. Maybe.

So here I am…fat again.

For the first day in quite a while I didn’t have any sweets, I drank at least 64 oz of water (3 days in a row I might add!) and I even went on a walk. A short walk because I was huffing and puffing and my calves were burning me but a walk.

And so the cycle begins. Again.


4 thoughts on “Fat Girl Struggles

  1. You can do it B!
    It doesn’t have to be a cycle, you just have to make it a lifestyle change. You will find the process that makes you feel the best 🙂

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